MysteriousWhisper

POST 81

2011-01-18T05:41:00.000-08:00

So....been gone awhile again. No particular reason. But things are still good. Managed to keep my job. Taking 16 credits this semester. Trying to keep it from my mom she would prefer I take 13...But I think I can handle it; it's not so bad. Re-taking Great Masterworks which I failed in Sophomore year. The teacher definitely seems better than the last so that's a plus. Taking Digital Approaches to Fine Art, which is awesome. I got in narrowly and am finally learning photoshop and in general how to be a better photography. Taking Creative Writing Nonfiction which I'm loving so far, and will probably continue to love. It's right up my ally. Taking Linguistics and the Text which contains a bunch of friends and a scatterbrained professor. Hence I will have lots of people to work with so I shouldn't get lost. And taking Newsgathering, which is basically reporting/journalism stuff. It's a requirement so everyone has to take it and the professor worked at the Wall Street Journal for 22 years so he has a lot of experience. I kind of am looking forward to this semester more than last. I feel good about pretty much all my classes, and I have friends in literally all of them, so I will probably always have study buddies.

I can't wait for spring/summer. Seasonal depression is definitely in the air, and the anticipation is building. I am excited for the day I see a first flower or robin or something. I'm also looking forward to the cruise to the Virgin Islands I'm going on with Evan. I get to go scuba diving for the first time...Oh, and I am also getting a new camera soon. My mom's helping pay for it and it's the Nikon D7000. Omg, I can't wait. It's like a really professional camera. It's right at the top of the mid-level Nikons which puts me just above the typical photography enthusiast/semi-professional photographer. I hope to God, I can have it when springtime starts. Can't be too sure if she will be willing to buy it for me so soon, but I'm gonna try putting 700 in for it instead of 500 and maybe then she will be persuaded. Because I know if I spend a bit more on this camera now, I won't ever have to buy another one. It's definitely going to be my camera for years to come. But yeah, photography is totally my things now. It's my passion and I love it. It's nice to find something I'm good at based on a raw, natural talent.

POST 80

2010-11-18T10:44:00.000-08:00

So....80 posts. That's a lot. So basically, all my classes are going well except for Anthro....I have this plan to study hard over thanksgiving break, but truth be told that is risky because catching up is not as efficient as staying caught up. I just hope God can find it in his heart to help me get a B on the final. If that happens I will get at least a C in the class. And that is all I need. I am almost definitely sure I'm getting 3 As and one B otherwise. So I feel like I have definitely proved that I have moved on from the whole bad grades at all times thing. I hope I can concentrate well over break and get that B. If that happens I will feel a good sense of accomplishment, and definitely feel that I deserve it. This semester has been great for me, so coming back next semester with the same attitude is all I need. I just feel like if I didn't get that C that I won't be able to move forward. I feel that I deserve it considering how well I have done with all my other classes. I guess I'm just peptalking myself and trying to be positive, because this is really an important time and I can't afford to have it fuck up.

This has seriously been the best semester for me, and I only hope it gets better from here. Anyway. That's all for now....

POST 79

2010-11-07T07:43:00.000-08:00

Hmmm. I can't believe it's already November. Halloween was great. We dressed up at Earthbound. Andrew is in the white; he's Evan's bff and Sam is next to me. He's also a really good friend of Evan's. I was very proud of my costume.

School is getting more tense. I have all this work to do now...it's annoying.

POST 78

2010-10-18T00:39:00.000-07:00

So it's 3:25 am and I am awake. I had a migraine so I slept for 3 hours earlier around 9. I'll probably go to sleep soon, but I guess I have nothing better to do than this. Not much to say. Life is pretty good. Changed my name. I'm now Simone Fox. Once I change it with the bank, I will also change it with the school and then it will be final. Took a few months, but it's finally over. Well, honestly, it took a almost a year and half, but I feel like now that my name is changed I have finally moved past my Dad. I blocked his number a while ago. I find myself wondering if he will call sometimes, but not often. I hope so much that I have moved on. I feel like I have, but I have lingering thoughts sometimes. Also, sometimes, my actions are strange and the only explanation I can give is something to do with my family situation. I have been trying to be less unusual though. I'm still my quirky self though!

I've become really into photography this year. I have no experience whatsoever in it, but my photos are so good people are coming up to me and asking me to take photos of them. I really love it. It makes me feel like I have talent, because I have taken no classes in this. For the first time, I think I may be a natural at something. Literally. I especially enjoy people, nature, animals, and landscape photography. I love humans and their faces, close ups of flowers, leaves or anything intriguingly intricate, cute squirrels, birds, cats and dogs, and the view from a mountain. I plan to take a few classes before I graduate, and then start a photography business on the side. Photography makes me very happy, and people keep telling me I have a talent and it's actually unnerving me because all my photography skills come from none other than yours truly. I have no outside influence. I just do what feels right and it happens to be more than that.

I am also coming around to deciding what I may want to do after graduation or a career. I am liking the idea of being a book editor. Not a hot shot 6 figure making editor of some prestigious publishing company, but someone who sits around and edits grammer and such. I did use to love reading, but as I found in the recent past reading bores me to the bone, but when I'm sitting there editing it, I'm doing something with my brain. It's being worked, and that's something I need. With a Bachelor's degree in English and concentration in Creative Writing, it is probably a feasible career choice. Anyway, I just started thinking about it, so nothing is certain yet. But I hope it turns out to be the right choice.

POST 77

2010-09-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

Here I find myself in Anthropology class again. Well, as usual (I love that this is the norm for me), everything is going well :D

Had a concert last night for Una Voce. It was actually the Music Spectacular for Family Weekend in which all the music groups at the school performed to give a sampling of what goes on in the Music Dept. Una did great. But show choir SUCKED. Omg, I am not unhappy about not being in the group now. They were so bad that I would be embarrassed to be a member of the group. That's what they get for selecting shitty members lol.

Had a lot of work to catch up on in the past week, but luckily my last big assignment till after Fall break was completed today, so now I get to relax a bit. Lol, honestly I've been relaxing a lot. I don't have that much work, and I am actually doing it all instead of getting too lazy. I am behind on some Anthro readings but I am keeping up with the book readings. Literary Journal is pretty epic. We just meet every day and talk about what we are going to put in our journal! Poetry is great. I have written some good poems and Emerson (the prof) loves them, so that's all good. I have some revision to do, but luckily I will be meeting with her on Thursday to talk about that, so it will be out of the way.

This weekend I'm going to Evan's hometown to volunteer at this Octoberfest carnival thing at his church. I went last year too, and it was great. I remember I wrote an entire blog entry about that weekend because it was the same weekend I went to see Blink 182 with Jacob, so that weekend ROCKED. Literally. Lol.

As I was walking to class this afternoon I realized that so far, I have been the host to no drama whatsoever this semester. That's why it's been so good. One of the reasons at least. I haven't been hanging out with people who bring me drama, so obviously its easy to avoid it. I think I just have too many friends to have drama, really. Evan and I have not been spending too much time together. Everything is well balanced. I really need this and I'm glad God is finally affording me the ability to be happy and relaxed.

POST 76

2010-09-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm in my Anthropology class right now. The guy next to me was playing a Zelda game and is now playing solitaire. This class really sucks. The readings are boring and obvious and the professor just talks about stuff that I don't think is appearing on the exam. After this Evan and I are going to a vintage store where they have a mascot: a pig. LOL. He's really cute. He's like a dog.

Not much has been going on around here. People keep breaking up and getting back together. It's annoying. I hope/believe Evan and I won't go through that :P. Finally got my first paycheck last week. Gosh that was nice. I got Evan's birthday present today! It's next Tuesday so I hope it gets mailed in time.

Damn I wish I kept up with my creative writing blog...I just got tired of writing about classes and I kept feeling like my work was inferior and I didn't find myself wanting to post it.

Idk I may start up on it again. I hope I do, but I probably won't....

POST 75

2010-09-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

Well. I think it would be safe to say that people other than me are reading this blog. Ah well. Then, in such case, the blog is accomplishing what I desire. I'm currently in Warrenton spending the night with Evan. His parents are gone and he had to pick up his spanish book, so we decided to have the house to ourselves. :)

Classes have actually been going really well. The only class I can see myself slacking in is Anthro. Luckily, my other classes will probably yield As. So I may be able to afford it. I can honestly see myself getting As in my 3 english classes. Electronic Literature is pretty fun. We play video games and we make video games. It's from literature so it's related but either way the class is really cool. Poetry is just poetry lol. The professor is a Pulitzer Prize winner and a former Poet Laureate of Virginia. So she definitely knows her shit. I volunteered to be one of the first poem writers in class, so I feel that I am on top of things in there. Then there is my Literary Journal class. I can safely say that that will be my favorite class. We get put into groups of 5 and we then design, produce, and edit our own literary journal. It actually gives us experience in editing and publishing that I can put on my resume. It's definitely going to be one of the most useful classes I have ever taken.

Well, otherwise things are going well. I have a lot of friends and such. The only thing that is ruining this is the fact that I can't find my retainer. :P. I keep thinking I threw it in the trash and there is so much crap in there that I keep putting off going through it. Therefore my room is getting messy because I taking out my trash is involved with cleaning my room, and I guess I'm OCD or something but I can't start on my room unless I know I can completely clean it. But I am afraid of taking out my retainer to the dumpster...

Lol.

POST 74

2010-08-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say I'm getting uneasy about school. I am afraid of dropping back into non-motivational behavior and such. I wish doing well in school was second nature for me. Also all the people I know are all here again. ALL the people. Including the ones I have had tension with. I am also tampering with private information if you know what I mean. I mean I have to keep a secret that is particularly hard to keep right now. I know it's partially a test to see if I can keep it or not because God knows I have problems with that. But I know revealing this secret will hurt A LOT of people. So I sit here on this challenge.

I hope that I can get into the habit of doing homework instead of wasting time when I'm free. That way I will feel more accomplished at the end of each day. Balancing this RA job with freshmen is going to be more challenging than I thought. Also, if I do end up in show choir again, that will be a time committment as well. Luckily my schedule is working out well. There is only one class I need to force add and if it doesn't work out I have a feasible back up. The pressure is also on because I know I am capable academically of reaching that 2.3 but that will only happen if I get no Cs. So we will see. I work well with pressure...usually.

Well, luckily Max just called and wants to hang out, so I can stop being contemplative now and go out and enjoy life!

:P

POST 72

2010-08-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been here since the 10th. Honestly......IT'S AWESOME. Everyone is great. I am bonding with my own staff as well as Evan's staff LOL. I can see why they originally assigned me to his; we get along so well. Part of me wishes I was on this staff because we get along so much better, but at the same time my staff is great, and I know Evan and I would spend way too much time together, if we were always in the same dorm. I am glad I have my own set of people. It keeps me independent.

RA training is kind of a pain in the ass, seeing as it's many hours every day, plus all the paperwork associated with move in day, and the decorating of the halls. It's actually a lot of work and I feel like I am accomplishing something and doing something meaningful. These are the kinds of things that keep me going, and make me feel important and grounded. I don't know how weird that is for other people, but it's how I feel. I took on the great collateral assignment of being the duty scheduler, which means I can control which day's I get off :). That made me happy. We have a great plan for our lip sync contest! It will be really funny and clever. I can't wait :).

POST 71

2010-08-08T11:22:00.000-07:00

Packing, packing, packing. I am supposed to be packing and cleaning. Instead I am browsing the interwebs. Well my mom volunteered to do my laundry which is awesome because its the last thing I want to be doing....

Gotta pack clothes, toiletries, shoes, pens, paper, crafts stuff, bed sheets, pillows, vaccum cleaner, lamps, computer, ipod, ipod player, clocks, posters, curtains, towels, crates, cleaning supplies, tissues, trashcans, guitar, pictures, hamper, rugs, medicines, make-up, hair dryer, straightener, extra blanket, refrigerator, tv, power strips, phone, phone charger, camera, plates, eating utensils, pot, pan, trash bags, external hard drive, retainer.

Damn that's a good list. I may have to refer back to it....

POST 70

2010-08-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today went well. I had lunch with my Mom and Mrs. Brown and then I did a photoshoot for my friend Sammie! Photography is fun. I'll be going back to school on Tuesday and it is now Friday night. Time has flown as usual. But I am glad. I finally heard from my HR, Tom, and the school and I'm definitely an RA. Relief is nice. I do miss Evan. We haven't seen each other in over 3 weeks and its starting to get to both of us, I think. I hope and pray everything works out very well in terms of my grades, job, friend situation and of course Evan and my family. I just want a peaceful, happy year, with no drama. I hope my grades go up, my staff is awesome, Evan and I keep communicating well, and our relationship keeps growing stronger, and I have a good circle of drama-free friends. Sometimes I hope my Dad will come back to us, emotionally that is, but honestly I don't have the stomach for it right now. I just want to concentrate on school and my life. Of course I hope my Mom and I's relationship improves (as it always needs to). Things are going well now. I will it to stay that way, and have no uproar.

POST 69

2010-08-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

Happily I find myself busy. And not in school! Shocker I know. This week is filled with fun adventures. I even get to do a photoshoot for a friend! I have been waiting so long to do that....

So I got two B+ in my class. Lame, but it still helped my GPA obviously, but sadly, BUT also happily. If I get all Bs this semester my GPA will be where it needs to be. Hopefully, I can get all As :P

A psychic told me I would finally focus better these next two year and that by senior year I would figure out what I wanted to do with life. Oh and she told me my bf cares about me. K......

I don't know how I feel about psychics. I didn't ask for her visions she just sort of volunteered them. Honestly, I didn't want to hear it. At all. At least it wasn't, bad. I hope I don't consider them in my future actions. That would be lame. I make my own damn luck in this world!!!

POST 68

2010-07-29T05:49:00.000-07:00

POST 67

2010-07-24T15:41:00.000-07:00

Ah. Home. Finally.

At the moment I don't know what my final grades are but the good news is that the worst possible scenario would be two B+s. :) The best would be two A-s. Either way, I am not heading anywhere near probation anymore, and have finally started on a good track. Starting was the hardest but now I can keep going.

:)

Life is pretty darn good. Not to jinx it, but it is lol. I hope it keeps up and this is my best year ever. My grades are finally up, my relationship with my Mom is good, things with Evan are good, my friends are good, my job is good (or at least going to be), and idk it's all good.

I like it.

POST 66

2010-07-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

I am almost done! Tomorrow I don't have class so finally Melodie and Jacob and I are spending time together! We are road tripping up to Clarendon for some Baja Fresh and Barnes and Noble. Ah, I've been waiting so long to hang with people who don't cause me drama. Yesterday was full of drama with Aissata and Meg. They are so fucking crazy they even brought Evan into the middle of it. I was NOT happy about that.

I'd rather not talk about it but basically tomorrow is shenanigans in DC then packing in the evening, and then Thursday is bonus math day, and then I am leaving immediately after class to go home. Then I get to relax at home for 2 and half weeks. Already planning to go to the beach with Anneliese on Monday, and Melodie plans to come down for a Water Country weekend. Also planning on going to the gym and getting in good shape before I go to RA training on August 10th. And movie watching with my Mom. It's her new hobby. The only annoying side is that those two weeks are going to be filled with doctor's appointments because its the only time I have to go to them most of the year. Oh well.

I'm so grateful to God and everyone who helped me keep this job. It's really a blessing. I truly believe this year will begin well and quickly move into a stable situation in which I won't be in a position where I am not happy and unable to focus.

POST 65

2010-07-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

Well today I have class till 3. It's a pain but its ok. Only a week left. Then I get a nice 2 week break. Definitely looking forward to it...

This weekend I'm going to Water Country and Busch Gardens with Evan! That will be a nice start to the break except for a few days next week in which I take exams and pack.

POST 64

2010-07-13T14:38:00.001-07:00

Well hell to the yes, I have good news: my appeal was approved! I will be an RA!

Anyway. That's all I have to say for now. So laterz

POST 63

2010-07-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

Well, here I find myself in Borders again, trying to escape my apartment. I walked in this morning to change my shirt while on the way to Borders and there was a nonspecific black female on the couch and it look suspiciously like Aissata, but why in hellsfire would she be sleeping on the couch. Her door was open so I peeked in and sure enough she was in her bed. So I have no idea who the female on the couch was but it was weird and creepy so I got out of there fast.

I'm in a bad mood because Financial Aid won't let me work bc I'm not eligible academically. Long story short, I failed too many classes last year and now I have to appeal and give a legitimate reason for the bad grades and the steps I am taking to correct it. Fortunately I have a very good reason and in my letter I pretty much made it seem like the RA job was one of the steps I was taking to improve my life and my academics. And it's true, so it's ok. I am waiting to hear what they decide but I really fucking hope they approve me and give me like a probationary period or something. Because if I seriously lose the job I will have to get a new dorm, and not get paid and basically it will be a very lame start to the year. And I need a good start. But another good thing was that they were impressed with my prompt response to their notification because it shows I care about the job and everything so that was all I could do. My letter was really good and I don't see how they would reject me if they actually read it. If they have a heart they will give me a chance. And luckily Residence Life is willing to wait and see how the process works out too. So at this moment it's looking good, but the long and the short of it is my job is on literally on hold and I have to wait. Jesus, I hope by Monday or Tuesday they let me know, because I have all these forms I have to fill out and I am going home in like a week and half, so I kinda need to know in time to submit them before Fall Semester.

Well anyway. I hope I'll have good news next time I write. Like I really pray for it. I know having to start the semester with a failure like that will not bide well for me. I don't see why God would want to put me through that at this critical time in my life. So yeah. Pray for me...

POST 62

2010-07-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well. Stats is sucking a lot. I fucked the second test. But fortunately the new material is related to stuff I did in Finite Math. Secondly, I finally got a tutor and that helped. So there is still a chance I could get a B at least. My film class is great. It's easy as crap and interesting and I expect an A.

Next weekend, I will be going to Bucsh Gardens and Water Country with Evan. My mom for some reason decided to buy both of us season passes. That was nice of her.

I am officially ready to go home to Williamsburg and spend 2 nice relaxing weeks there. I get out of here on the 22nd and I go back for RA training on the 10th of August. Hopefully, there will be no problems with keeping the job. Meh, don't really feel like talking about that. But anyway, when I get back I will be spending time going to the pool, Chipotle, and Sno to Go with Anneliese, and just relaxing and having no homework finally. I mean I definitely don't regret doing the summer session. Without it I would be 9 credits short of being a Junior, so nevertheless I am happy. I wish I could go to the beach again before the summer is out, but I don't know if I will. Jesus, it really flew by. I know I have a month left, but it will fly by guaranteed. Oh yeah, I may be changing to a Studio Art major. Yeah I know. I'll explain later when I am more certain. But I think it may just be my way to happiness in the "rest of my life" department.

My father and I still have not spoken civilly since May 21, 2009. And as far as I am still concerned that is not happening until he admits to his lies. It's ok. I feel fine about it. A good percentage of me believes that before I get married he will come to his senses; that way he can still walk me down the aisle. But if he doesn't, Jacob my bff/brother I never had will be walking me down the aisle.

Anyway I am hoping this new revelation-like idea of being a Studio Art major will finally be the answer, that way I can salvage my last 2 years and get good grades and still have a shot at some sort of graduate school.

I'm sitting in Borders right now. I have been getting really, really tired of being in my apartment. Mostly because it's messy and I don't care enough to clean it, but partially because I am just tired of Aissata and Meg. They are clearly very close friends and sometimes my presence interferes. I think Meg is tired of me being really stupid in Math. I feel like since that's mostly what we talk about, she is kind of seeing me as stupid overall. It sucks. But I can't help that my mind is not made to do math. I just want to be an art major essentially because I'd feel much better spending hours on something concrete, rather than something abstract that can be misinterpreted. I also find I can focus much better if my hands are occupied. If my mind is being exercised. In my own realm. That's why I hate reading, I have found.

Anyway that's all for now.

POST 61

2010-06-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

Well, here's the deal. I write when I feel like it. I wish it were more often but lately it hasn't been. And quite frankly I am not in the mood to update the many many people who read my blog(NOT). Since I was being sarcastic, you get the point. So essentially I finished Jane Austen and am now on to Stats. It sucks. I hope I do well, because I am definitely making an effort.

The beach was amazing though. I really needed that. Evan and I are doing awesome. That break up was definitely necessary, but I'm glad its over. Uhm....more later.

Maybe...

POST 60

2010-05-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I am leaving tomorrow at noon to return to school. I plan to work hard, and get an A in my class, and have some fun with friends. I don't really want to look back on the past. There is no point.

I still have to pack, which is a slight pain in the ass, but it is ok. I will get up early and once I have showered, it will be easy to just pack everything up. I don't have nearly as much to do as I did when I moved out of Westmoreland. First of all, no trash, which took up A LOT of time and space, and secondly half my stuff is in storage in Fredericksburg, so I have that much less stuff to pack. So all I really have to do is clothes, toiletries, kitchen stuff, bed stuff, shoes, guitar, and electronics. Shouldn't take too long at all.

I feel better now that I listed that out. :P

I hope I remember to get some money from my Mom for my eagleone card....

Evan invited me to his sister's wedding this weekend :D. And to the beach in June! Course its while I have classes, so I'm hoping my professor won't be an ass when I tell him I have to miss the last week of classes, and actually helps me finish everything early. I looked him up on ratemyprofessor.com and he got high ratings so that is a good sign. I think I will just tell him I have to go to Poland and the tickets are already bought, so if I can't go my parents will be out a lot of money. A horrible lie, I know, but I will do anything to fullfil my childhood dream/item on my list of things to do before I die. Seriously, I have always wanted a nice, long beach trip. I haven't had them since I was at least 12 since my parents are overprotective, and I crave and remember them.

So I pray for an A in my class, getting to go on the beach trip, getting a job, and no roommate problems. I like Aissata, so I really hope rooming together doesn't ruin our friendship...

POST 59

2010-05-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hi. I have been gone a while. Almost 3 months. I am not really sure why. But summer is beginning and I thought, since it will be a good one, that I should keep up.

Essentially, I have finally realized that I was unhappy with life. I couldn't figure out why. Then Evan broke up with me.

That was awful. It was so bad I lost 10 pounds. Then I realized that I was happier being slim and in shape. Then suddenly I realized you can't look for happiness, you have to make your own, right now. I also realized there is always a bright side to every situation, and that you always just have to make the best of things, and not worry about your problems. Take steps to correct them, but don't harp on them. So essentially in the past 2 months I have been living like this, and pretty much Evan realized I grew up and realized I am a happy person, and am not worth losing. So yesterday morning, we got back together.
The past 2 months were a very back and forth period for he and I. It was hard and painful, and confusing. But it is indeed now over. I have learned the ways I can be a terribly annoying person, and I am curbing them.

My grades are not turning out to be too good. This semester was not as improving as I thought. It has to do with my continuing inability to focus. My mother claims its from the divorce and I think it may be ADD. It is just so apparent there is a problem. I am not quite sure. But this summer I am taking 2 classes. One per session. So hopefully, I will be able to keep my focus on ONE class and get an A in each. That should put me over the necessary hump to continue being an RA. Of course I need them to not fire me before then, but it is ok. I will hope and pray for it. Otherwise this summer should be a lot of fun. I have made some good new friends, Meg and Aissata. Aissata is going to be my roommate in the apartment this summer, and Meg is an RA on Evan's staff. They are mature and nice, better than Ocean that's for sure. They also give me someone to hang out with, so I am not constantly bothering Evan.

Ocean and Lauren have brought me so much drama, I am just tired of both of them. It started when Lauren pissed me off so I ended our friendship. I only do that in extreme circumstances, so trust me, it was bad and justified if I did that. Then Ocean kept getting pissed off my Lauren too, but Ocean is desperate for friends, so she will do anything to save the friendship. Of course this is getting in the way of OUR friendship, and Lauren is causing more drama because of it. But after a while, I got tired of the fact that Ocean can't be THAT mature if she really wants to keep Lauren around. Having, Meg, Aissata, and Cassie and others made it easy to move past her. Of course she doesn't really get the message yet, but I am tired of her immaturity, so I am slowly ending our friendship as well.

But this summer I will be living with Aissata and maybe working. If I find a job, then maybe. My dad is supposed to be giving me a car, so I will have one finally. Plus, we will probably go to the beach and Water Country this summer, and Evan and I will hang out not too often, so it will give us a chance to keep our time together special. I am looking forward to it all. Of course, I am now here at Dead Week, and on May 9th, I will be moving my stuff home, and then moving into my apartment on May 16th. I am looking forward to everything. I truly am much happier.

POST 58

2010-02-14T08:24:00.000-08:00

This is a very happy post, I must say. I forgot to tell you all that the day before yesterday was possibly the greatest day. Because I became worry free that day. I went to Residence Life, finally, and asked them if they would still rehire me even though my grades are not currently up to par. The beautiful thing was they said exactly what I was hoping for. YES! THEY SAID YES! They also said they would keep checking up and if there was no improvement then they would retract the offer. Which is EXACTLY what I would expect and hope for! So I am going to be an RA FOR EVER! lol.

I also finally worked things out with Evan. Because he sort of abuses my emotions because he thinks I will never break up with him. So I finally made the difficult decision where I said, if you don't change these things, I will break up with you. It was hard but I meant it. To my pleasant surprise, he was very much uninterested in that happening, so he apologized for everything, and now seems to see me as a stronger person, and therefor is a much better boyfriends. Because I am no longer going to be so weak that I can't handle being without him. I told him that, and finally he understands that I am not going to take crap anymore.

School is continuing. French is my hardest. Right now I am not doing too well, but that is ok, I now have a bit more motivation now that I know I will be getting the job back. I will study hard and participate more. Creative Writing is going well, Voice and Body Movement is pretty good. Ballet is a pain because my teacher is not as good as the one I had back in the day, and she teaches things differently. And the problem is I had such a good teacher that I know that she is wrong sometimes, and when I do things my way, she says things like, "Trust me, I know what I'm talking about." That sort of makes me feel disrespected, because she has no idea of the background of dance of the students, or their teachers. But I mean I am doing fine in the class, itself, so no worries. Linguistics is ummm, well annoying. The teacher is not particularly knowledgeable and the material is hard. But I plan to start reading a bit of the chapter assigned every day from now on. I am fairly certain my grades will be at least a 2.7 this semester which is not that good, but that is hopefully the minimum.

POST 57

2010-02-13T02:01:00.000-08:00

I really don't get along with girls. I am hanging out with this new girl named Lauren, and she is really really nice. Like I really want to be friends with her. She has an immense amount of compassion for people and she really really wants people to know that. The problem is I can't get used to that. I am not used to anyone caring that much, and quite frankly it makes her seem terribly overbearing. She constantly says things that hurt me, but I don't say anything because I know that she is doing it out of her caring for others. She always doles out the cold hard truth. The other problem with that is I frequently already know the cold, hard truth and don't need to hear it from her. I appreciate her advice, I do, but when she inadvertently insults me, I find it hard to keep that to myself. She will constantly make the excuse that she does not at all mean to hurt me, but that is not the point. It hurts me and she should be more considerate of my feelings. We had a huge argument on facebook chat and it got to the point when I couldn't take it anymore so I just signed off. Now she is hysterical, because she has an anxiety problem, and I feel like shit. But I can't talk to her, because she will yell at me and sob over the phone and I am not in a position to handle that. So I sent her a facebook message apologizing for being a bitch, and explaining why I did what I did. I hope she will understand, but if she does not then I will have to accept that we cannot be friends. We just don't have what it takes to tolerate each other. I doubt either of us is willing to give in so I doubt things will work out. I really like her, but I can't be friends with someone that doesn't think of their feelings when she offers her advice.

And trust me its not impossible to give advice without hurting people. Jacob has helped me through the toughest situations in my life, and I always feel better after talking to him. No matter what I say he will always support me. I don't have to censor what I say around him. But with Lauren I do because she will get supremely pissed if I say certain things. I am up for the challenge of being her friend, but the honest truth is, being someones friend should not be a challenge.

POST 56

2010-02-07T15:56:00.000-08:00

So school was cancelled on Friday and Monday. I am so happy that I rightfully missed 2 french classes. I am so glad to not have to go to Voice and Body movement. That class annoys me. The snow fell again, and this time it measured almost 2 feet. I have never seen that much snow in my entire life.

POST 55 Winter Wonderland!

2010-02-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

Wow so the snow has been falling a lot around here! Apparently 70% of this country is currently covered in snow! I haven't seen this much snow since I was a pre-teen! Tonight it is supposed to snow all night, which hopefully means school will be canceled on Wednesday. That would be wonderful because I have a Linguistics test, that I would rather not take...

It never really snows in Virginia. It is shocking that it is snowing at all, to be honest. Usually, we will see a light dusting of an inch or two every year, but this year we had a huge snowstorm that covered Virginia in up to 2 feet of snow, and then last weekend we had about 8-10 inches! And it is supposed to be added to tonight and then this weekend we are scheduled to have YET another snowstorm!

PRAY FOR CANCELLATION OF SCHOOL AT UMW PLEASE! LOL

POST 54

2010-01-26T17:43:00.000-08:00

Things are painfully normal. I feel like something is not quite right...or maybe I am still just not used to everything working out. I don't know though. I think Evan has some growing up to do. He likes to criticize me for the silly things I do, but I respect the silly things he does such as spoonerisms and speaking with bad grammar. I feel like he is unhappy that I could make a running joke last. No pun intended lol. Whatever I guess. I am sure my mother would agree with what he says, so I may follow it. I do still believe that he will grow up one day when it becomes necessary. I feel like if we make it that far, that I will be very happy and thankful that I waited. So I don't want to just give up when I feel pain. I suppose you have to work at relationships and they aren't the easiest things in the world. So I guess it is all just part of life. And I do want this relationship to last, so I am willing to work for it.

I also think he is tired of me. Not in the sense that he is actually ready to break up, but he is not used to having the same girl for so long. We have been dating for almost 6 months and it is 2 months longer than any other of his relationships. I hope he wouldn't just eventually find reasons to end it just so he can get out because its been to long and he doesn't know how to deal with it anymore. I don't know if any of this is on his mind. But yeah. I mean I think this is one of the thing she needs to grow up about. A relationship is not something you can treat like crap. It needs work it its going to last. And you can't just give up if you get tired and bored.

I also think he thinks I am very stupid and clueless. I am not really. I just want to fit in with his friends in a way. I think a lot and use my mind actively, I just don't always apply it to everything I do.

I also think he should be thankful for a lot of things in our relationship. There are certain things we have that he will probably not have with any other girl. I hope so much that he realizes that, because I feel like he takes it all for granted. I really have done a lot for him and I don't really expect much in return except him treating me in a way that makes me feel special. I do love him and I hope that that love can soon come out smoothly and easily. Because lately it has been disjointed. I don't really know why, but maybe its because I think hes tired and bored. I hope he will grow up.

POST 53

2010-01-20T06:15:00.000-08:00

I had so many distractions this weekend. I did end up going to Evan's house. It turns out that what he didn't want to tell me was that his parents were out of town and he wasn't supposed to have people over. I am not really sure how to respond to this kind of thing. It is sort of like he is lying again. I would always tell him the complete truth. But he leaves out crucial bits of info very frequently. And because we are dating now, he feels he can. It sort of hurts me. I don't think I would break up with him very easily and he knows that so he messes with me a lot. I am not really sure how to con him into telling me the whole truth again. He seems to think its ok and its not that important. Well, it is to me. I remember before we dated, he said he would never lie to me because I demanded the truth. That about me has not changed. I hope he will realize that and stop with his shenanigans...Also what is strange to me is why would he not want me there in an empty house without his parents? I am not stupid and I know that he is not that loyal to his parents rules. He really brushed it off and it really didn't seem to bother him. But if I had no parents in a house because they were way out of town, the first thing I would want to do is have my boyfriend over. This whole event has passed and it doesn't seem to matter anymore, but it is still lingering in my mind.

POST 51

2010-01-15T15:01:00.000-08:00

Well Evan went home this weekend without me. I am a little confused as to why he didn't want me there since he always did before this. He claims it was because he had nothing planned. Ocean thinks I have nothing to worry about and I wish I would stop worrying. But it is like he doesn't want me there. Before he would have nothing to do but he would invite me just because he loved being with me, but now he acts like he doesn't anymore. I don't really know why. I am not too worried because most of us to like their free time and I do as well. But I wish he would tell me that. It's better than making up a reason that didn't apply before. That's what really gets to me. Anyway I had to get that out.

Well today was good. I had plenty of people to hang out with which was nice. I am used to hanging out with Evan all the time, and it is nice to know I actually can make my own plans lol. I hope I can get all my work done by Monday night. We don't have school then, and it would be nice to have a mostly free Tuesday. So far the keeping up of my grades and neat room has been going fairly well so far. My room is still neat; I clean it up every night at the very least. I try to clean as I go, and I am glad to have a routine.

So overall thing are going well now. Although my mother and I have not spoken much because she is waiting for me to send her my grades and I promised I would but I haven't yet and I don't want to call her till I do that...anyways....later.

POST 50

2010-01-15T05:53:00.000-08:00

So in honor of my 50th post, I decided to start a new blog. Lol. This one is dedicated to my journey as a creative writing major. Check it out! Follow me! I don't have many followers...I am not sure what this means will happen to my mysteriouswhisper blog, but it may or may not mean I will be less active here. I hope not. But in case...follow my other blog!

POST 49

2010-01-12T05:16:00.000-08:00

I am trying really hard to ignore the annoying threats my mother makes towards me. She now says that she is kicking me out of the house to go live with Daddy. Whom I am sure would say he wants me there, but when actually given the opportunity would definitely not take it. Well, what a wonderful world. Neither my mother nor my father want me. Well the reason my Mom is kicking me out is because I retracted her permission to recieve my grades. I think it is my personal business and that I only should have to tell her if I want to. Even Dr. Cynthia agrees and thinks I should only have to talk about my grades in the office and that my Mom shouldn't be allowed to bother me about it outside of the office. I know all that will happen if my Mom hears about my grades, is she will make my life as miserable of a hell as possible. She would drag me down and lecture me and suppress me. I know her. I have been having a very positive attitude lately and I have been on top of everything and very motivated to keep up with my work and all things I am doing. But her yanking me down like this is ridiculous. It hasn't quite hit me yet that neither of my parents want me, but I hope it won't. I am going to try to call Dr. Cynthia today and see if there is anything she can do. If not, I will likely just let my mom have my grades and hope it doesn't ruin my life. Because right now she is on the route to canceling my phone, canceling my debit card, and basically anything she can to make my life hell. It's a damn good thing she didn't realize all this while I was still at home. Or I probably wouldn't be here now. And probably still have to reveal my grades to her nonetheless.

POST 48

2010-01-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out my boss is the laziest supervisor on the planet. He sleeps through meetings, literally, and when we found drugs in a room, he just brushed us off. LOL. How funny. I really wish he would get on the job because I need someone to tell me what to do. Fortunately Elsie and Mitchell are really nice and helpful. Elsie does way more work than Conner, the HR (Head Resident/my boss); she should be the HR. Vilma my coRA on my hall is nice, but she is the kind of person I find difficult to get along with. I am sure we will be fine, but she is for sure not the kind of person who would bust her ass to get a job done. Oh well. I am glad to be an RA and that's all that matters. I will make over 2000 bucks this semester so at least I am getting something for all this!

POST 47

2010-01-04T20:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I am here and I am all moved into my new room. It is strange to be growing up. I am afraid I will be homesick. Strange I know. I don't want to grow distant from my Mom, but to keep myself sane, I may have to. I feel weird feeling this way. But honestly, I couldn't be happier to be an RA and to be living in the greatest dorm in all creation, and to have a great boyfriend, and amazing friends, and a paycheck ; ).

I feel maybe a little strange in this new room, but it is not a feeling I have not felt before...it is very cold in here however. Oh well. I shouldn't complain considering when spring progresses into summer, I will be grateful. Mother nature works in mysterious ways.

I am also very proud of myself of making a point to unpack my room fully, before settling in. Because I knew if I didn't I would never finish. I really plan to keep it neat this semester. The messiness really contributed to my apathy for academics last semester, I think. The only think I have left to do is get some boys to help be bring up the extra bed frame from the storage room, and I will be finished organizing. Minus the poster decoration procedure that is lol. After that I shall be done. I need to buy razors too....I hope I remember.

Well, good night. I am tired. I have an early and long day tomorrow full of RA training to prepare me for what will eventually get me a paycheck! : D

POST 46

2010-01-04T02:23:00.000-08:00

Well, break is over and in 4 hours I am outta here and returning to school for RA training! I have not heard anything from Residence Life except that I am supposed to come to school early and participate in training ; ). The last few days have been great because Evan has been here. I really missed him. I am so glad I made it through break. As far as I can see its about time to stop worrying about the job, except till I get the first paycheck. When that happens I know I will be safe for the semester for sure! I am excited to meet my staff, most of whom I have already met, and live in an awesome new dorm. I can't wait. It will be great! I really love Evan. We will soon have been dating 5 months and its going great! : ) I really think that while we both have a lot of growing up to do, we have a very mature relationship for basically 20 year olds.

I am still having mixed feelings towards my father, but I have hardly thought about him the last few days and I have been very occupied with Evan. So I see that the key is too keep busy, which I plan to do. Also, I am getting more used to dealing with this a little bit every day, but not falling apart because of it. This semester will be great. I just know it. No excuses this time. It's the real thing. I am finally gonna be successful.

: D

POST 45

2009-12-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

I made cookies today! Nice, chocolate chip cookies! I think my motive for making them was the fact that Evan is coming tomorrow! I am really looking forward to that. I hate being distant from him. Anyway I was very proud of my cookies. I may or may not have left out 1/4th a cup of sugar, which I think made them better. They weren't too sweet. Plus I used margarine instead of butter which made them less fatty! YAY! I am not really a cook. Part of me wants to be really good at it, but the other part is way too damn lazy and doesn't want to become a domesticated housewife anytime soon. Or ever. I want to have a family sure and I want to be a good mother, but aside from cooking, cleaning, and laundry, I am NOT going to become just another housewife who eventually learns knitting and watches the antique shows on TV.

FUCK THAT. lol. I am only gonna do what I have to do to be a good mother and wife. Not going to go overboard that's for sure. I mean, yes what I will eventually do in life is somewhat patriarchal, but I am going to make sure I don't lose touch with who I am....

POST 45

2009-12-28T23:01:00.000-08:00

So for some reason, today I probably spent 4 hours total playing guitar. A few days ago I figured out how to sing while strumming a less than simple pattern, and apparently that graduated me into a new phase of guitar playing. Because after that I was able to listen to a song and then create a strumming pattern without even thinking that was NOT the same one I have been using for once. I don't know what got into me, but I started looking up all these songs and practicing them a lot. I learned "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, and "Apologize" by OneRepublic, and "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World, and "This is Me" by Demi Lovato. All in one day! And the best part is that before I would have to play everything really slowly and my fingers would struggle to keep up but that doesn't happen anymore! Granted, I am still playing fairly simple songs, but I still feel like I have crossed a milestone! Melodie would be proud of me! She was the one who taught me to play in the first place!

So my break is shaping up after all. I haven't gotten any emails telling me my grades are not acceptable to be an RA, and Evan decided to come visit me for New Years! He is coming on the 30th and then he is driving me back to school on the 4th! I get to be with him for like 5 days without homework and Terry constantly calling!

I think I may have finally figured out why Evan's relationships tend to be very short. He always says they grow to hate him for some reason. I believe I have figured out why. This is not to say that I now hate him. The reason I am not going to put here because the chances of him reading this are high LOL, but I am also going to say that I love him and know him, and am not going to give up on him this easily. I know one day he will grow up and mature and will know what is important. There are many perks to our relationship before and after it happens, so why the hell would I break up with him for that? I am glad that I can see the truth as opposed to being scared and just giving up. I am in it for the long run with Evan, and I hope he is for me as well : )

POST 44

2009-12-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

Well today I went to my Mom's therapist and of course the general discussion and arguments regarding our dysfunctional relationship ensued. Then Dr. Cynthia asked my mom what were 5 things she loved about me. My own mother sat there for 1 solid minute before deciding that she could not think of anything. Excuse me? My own mother doesn't love me.

Grand.

POST 43

2009-12-22T05:30:00.000-08:00

OK you know what really gets to me? When I sign into my Dashboard it says I have 44 posts, but when I look at my page it claims I have only 40. Yet, I believe this is my 43rd. OH WELL. Deal with it.

At this point I just want to skip over the rest of Christmas break and just get back to school. I just want to get into classes and get my grades up so I can stop looking like a douche. I want it so bad. That is not to say that my Christmas break is totally un-enjoyable. That would be a lie. For example, today I am meeting old high school friends to go Christmas caroling in CW. How nice....I mean aside from the fact that most of the people showing up have smitten me with some type of hatred since high school. Oh well. It's not that I am thinking negatively. I just really wanted to use the word "smitten"

: )

POST 42

2009-12-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

Home is where I am. Here I will stay till January 4th. The strange reminders of my childhood linger. The carnation breakfast hot chocolate with skim milk; the small lit up ceramic houses; the familiar, delicate, patterned ornaments. Strange without my father, but not quite that lonely; his presence was never that pronounced. Now, if my mom was gone there would be a huge, disgusting void. I am glad that is not the case. I hope that this break is relaxing and rejuvenating. But I hope when I return to school that I am able to concentrate, focus, and get motivated. That is all I need honestly, academically and socially. Life will improve significantly if that happens.

POST 41

2009-12-12T06:44:00.000-08:00

I am returning home today. I have packed up my room in South Hall and my Mom and Ocean are coming soon to help move me into Westmoreland! Exams are over. The semester is over. I return to school on January 4th and begin RA training. I filled out all this employment paperwork and now know how direct deposits and all that work related stuff works! I am glad I finally learned. I even filled out tax paperwork. Wow that stuff is complex and for me it is still very simple. I am not looking forward to when it becomes a regular part of life. The last thing I have to do before I leave is clean out my refrigerator. That is the LAST thing I want to do. Oh well. I better go do that...

POST 40: I have come to a decision...

2009-12-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

I have decided to forgive my father. I use the term forgive loosely but I have decided to let go of the anger I have towards him and to allow communication between us. No doubt that he will not admit to anything, but it could encourage it. I hope that this is the right decision. I honestly believe that a lot of my problems with grades and relationships with other people stem from my anger with him. It is almost uncontrollable, but at the same time, letting go of every hateful feeling I have for him may bring me some peace. I am constantly angry and unpleasant to be around. It has always manifested itself in me throughout my life, but not so much that it really affected everyone in it, but now it is much enhanced. I am going to get help over break with how to let go of my anger, and let it become a part of my life; the fact that my Dad will not admit to the truth and that this is my life now. I have not been able to accept it, but I must, I have realized. If I want my grades to improve then I must for sure. It took me another wasted semester, socially and academically, to realize this, but I have now. I hope God does not deal me a fail card next semester again, because I believe I know what to do now. I hope to God that I am able to keep my RA job before it even starts, and that He helps me keep my grades up and to stay motivated. I believe if I can let go of my Dad I can move on with my life.

I never thought that I would be ready

for this, but not only do I feel ready, but I need to get ready. I need to move on.

POST 39

2009-12-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

Well I am looking forward to today, after 12:15. That is when my last assignment of the semester is turned in and I have no exams till Wednesday! I am going to Warrenton with Evan this weekend and I really enjoy doing that! We are going to play Earthbound because Evan wants me to see what he loves so much about the game. Anyway after my class I am going to have a fun day with Ocean! Every time we meet it is always to do work, so we are both looking forward to just hanging out and not working our asses off. I don't really need to start studying till Tuesday afternoon, so I pretty much have a long weekend starting at 12 tomorrow. YAY.

POST 38

2009-11-27T18:41:00.000-08:00

Well, Thanksgiving has officially past. I know I have an incredible amount of things to be thankful for. I could list them here, but that would just be monotonous. I already know what they are. I can't wait to go back to school. I miss Evan a lot. I really would like to completely skip Christmas, sadly, and go right to January 4th. I mean I would want a short update on what happened over break and otherwise I would be much happier just skipping Christmas altogether. I don't really want to have anything to do with my report card; I just want to dismiss it and move on and do better this semester. I do want to get in shape, but I don't want to actually have to do anything. I don't want to spend that much time doing nothing either. Ugh, such boredom. I know I sound like a lazy, selfish ass right now, but whatever. I just don't want to hear crap from my mother about my grades. I already know exactly what she is going to say and trust me it is all stuff I have heard before. I wish she would just say well, I am sorry about that, but make sure you do better next semester. Instead of being all negative and making me feel shitter. And that she would just be positive. I mean she as a frickin psychologist should know that making a person feel like shit about themselves is NOT going to help at all, especially
considering my current situation....

Meh, sorry I rant, but that is just what is starting to occupy my thoughts lately, as the time draws closer.

POST 37

2009-11-23T20:12:00.000-08:00

My mother got me a Nikon Coolpix digital camera for my birthday!! Can you believe that?! My birthday was made by that lol. The day was great otherwise of course. We went to Eileen's for lunch, and then we came back and ate cake at Randolph. Everyone had a lot of fun even with my Mom and Sharon being there. My mom took lots of pictures which I plan to post some of here, so nothing will be forgotten! It was a great day, really. But when I got my hands on that digital camera I was taking pictures nonstop lol. I had an awesome birthday really.

I love photography. I really do. Now I can actually exercise that creative outlet lol.

Second big major development is the fact that with my new camera, I have gotten some good animal pictures at pet stores. So I searched "How to make a lolcat?" and found the cheezburger website where people do nothing but make lolz! So I joined and have made my own lolz! I will post below after birthday pictures!

Here is everyone in front of Eileens!

Just me and Evan : )

THE LAST 4 ARE OFFICIALLY MY ORIGINAL LOLCATS AND LOLDOGS, PICTURES AND CAPTIONS! : D!!!!

POST 36

2009-11-21T05:24:00.000-08:00

I have finally come to terms with two other reasons for my bad grades. Sadly these reasons are subconscious and I just realized them yesterday. One reason is because I subconsciously thought if my grades were bad it would somehow freak my Dad into telling the truth and coming back when he had a reality check on what his actions were doing to the family. My other reason is that when I did not get the RA position on first try I was very disappointed. I didn't realize it till last night, but I think these were two big reasons for my grades, in addition to all I have said up to this point. I hope I can remember it all when telling my Mom.

But on the bright side, I got hired as an RA in Westmoreland Hall which is the BEST HALL EVER! And I am going to get a single and everything! And my HR is the BEST HR EVER! I can't believe my luck I really can't. I have hardly had any up until now to be totally honest. In the contract they said bad grades "may result in termination of the position." Hopefully that "MAY" in there implies that they will give me a chance to pull it up seeing as there is not much left in this semester to fix. I am not sure, after all this is a JOB, and they won't take stupid crap, but I will hope they are also people that understand that sometimes others go through hard times. Now that I will be having an even better incentive to keep my grades up (in addition to all the others I have listed previously), that is keeping my job lol, I KNOW I will get my grades up!

Oh yeah, and I turn 19....TODAY, if you can't tell by my birthday lolcat!

POST 35

2009-11-20T09:48:00.000-08:00

I will be 19 years old tomorrow. The last year of being a teenager. It feels very strange. Most of my life has been spent either waiting for the teenage years or enjoying them. Although I am looking forward to the celebration of my last teenage year. Anneliese and Jacob are coming to visit and they are the only real friends I have kept in touch with since high school. My mom is even coming and all of us, including Evan and Melodie are going out to eat at a really nice place. I am really glad. They are pretty much all the people I care about. I also really wish Ocean could come, but she is going to be out of town. I am glad to have a circle of friends that is not to small, but not too big, but most importantly full of people that I actually really care about and that actually care about me. It took me a while to find people that really I really mean something to. It's nice. I feel somewhat accomplished.

POST 34

2009-11-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

Every time I take a glance at my blog I am guilted into discussing my fears and problems. I don't want to. I am scared and fearful. I am hopeful though, that it will get better. I will be happy once enough info about my grades is revealed to my mother and she realizes that there is nothing to do but support me positively and understandingly. Then I will begin to relax.

I remember the time when I was pleasantly busy in high school, and I did my homework on a regular basis and has good grades and did the things I enjoy. I am planning on taking a Ballet class next semester. I never thought I would ever do something like that again. Not for fun at least. I don't know. I just think it would be nice to tap back into what I really used to enjoy. Same goes for all the English classes. They are what I really enjoy. Maybe that will also help me next semester.

POST 33

2009-11-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

You know I went into this semester thinking things would be way better academic-wise. But of course, how could it honestly be better? This was the first semester I had without a father back home. I hate having to explain myself and my grades to my mother, but I think this semester was honestly not just my lazy fault. It stinks because so far the semesters before this one were a result of laziness, so how could this one be any different, right? How am I going to get her to overlook my grades one last time and take a look at the big picture. Over break I plan to get in shape, eat right, relax, and become better in touch with my situation. Also, I now know what I want to major in, and I have some sense of direction. Until now I did not really feel like I was working for anything at all. But now, at the end of the semester of course, I know my major and I have signed up for classes that I know I will like.

Every time I get a letter or a call from my Dad, it upsets me so much that it affects my thoughts and my actions for several days to come. I am unable to be motivated. All I want to do is something that is easy, and gets my mind of work and deadlines, and of course my Dad. So then I end up skipping out on my work, and feeling guilty later on for not doing it. Then those feeling later affect my thoughts and actions. It is awful because I know what is to come. Bad grades. I am glad I can write about it. I am glad I have Evan. He is much more mature than any other guy I have dated and he encourages me to do what I should be doing. I am glad, but he isn't going to force me to do it. No one should be forcing me. I should be able to do it myself.

It is hard. I firmly believe that I will put myself together after Winter Break and be able to come back to school next semester and do well. After all, I will be fully in touch with my no longer new situation. I remember planning to do so well this semester, but that was before I knew anything about my parents. I hope and pray that I don't get lectures and disappointing looks. Because I know what I have to do. It's not like I have no idea how to do well in school. It was just a question of motivation and comfort really. I had neither of those this semester. I believe next semester I will have these in light of my new direction with the English major, and also a good break and having more time to be used to my new situation, without a father.

I am glad I have my friends though. They are very supportive. I am thankful for my Mom too. She seems to understand what I am going through since she has a hit from the same arena. I feel like we have pressure from different areas though. She is able to get over it much faster than me because she is 40 years older than me and has much more experience with tragedy. Granted, this type of experience is new to her. But she is still much more intelligent and mature than me, so of course she will be able to handle it better than me. I hope she can understand what I am going through and not give me a hard time about my grades, because I know it will do more harm then good. I firmly believe if I have a positive and enjoyable experience over break, that I will be able to transfer it over to next semester.

POST 32

2009-11-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

Some people are just rude in this world. Some people only care about themselves and don't consider others in their thought process. Some people are hypocrites that say their entire existence is mature and grown up when in fact they are just children who need to grow up. I know one of these people and he really annoys the hell out of me. I hate drama as well, so I will leave names out of it, but the world should be advised to think before they act more often and make sure that before you claim adulthood that you should actually financially support yourself, and make sure that if you choose to have friends that you should never let them down.

POST 31

2009-11-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am not really here and not really there either. Sometimes I feel like the things that usually are of great importance to me are not really that important. I can let them bypass me without feeling guilt for not doing what I was supposed to be doing. I feel like in terms of grades, it is too late to really make much of a change. But then again, that has pretty much been every year of school for me. It takes a hard hit of reality to wake me up. But usually it is too late. I can only hope that since my classes next semester are very desirable to me that I will be able to improve and be more motivated. I honestly am not sure why I cannot become motivated. It annoys and upsets me. I have slightly considered seeing a therapist and I am not sure if this has anything to do with my parent's divorce. It probably does as any constructionist psychologist would tell me. But perhaps it is a symptom of a bigger problem. I think that I will make a promise to myself, that if this next semester is a fail and I am unmotivated and unable to improve that I will see someone for help.

That is one thing I am worried about Evan. He firmly states that no matter what happens he will never see someone. Because he believes that whatever his problem is that it can be fixed by himself. I feel like he doesn't understand that sometimes events in life can affect you in ways that even you cannot comprehend. It may cause faint traces of problems that manifest themselves stealthily and hide in other issues and you can't always figure them out.

But then again, what do I know. I guess I will deal with that crap if it ever becomes a problem, which right now it is certainly not.

POST 30

2009-11-01T14:46:00.000-08:00

I wonder, since I have now made it to my 30th post, if this is considered commitment? I don't know. I feel more committed to this project than I have to most writing projects. I am pretty committed to my poetry, but I have dry spells sometimes. I feel like I may have finally reached a point where I am able to keep to at least a few posts a week.

I went trick or treating this Halloween. It was indeed a lot of fun. I was able to feel like a young child again. It was strange and unusual to do it with a bunch of college students between the ages 17 and 23. I realized how grown up I was and how I was clearly no longer a child. It was a small revolution that had subconsciously happened until that night. It happened consciously last night. Oh well. I doubt it will change much but either way, it happened.

POST 29

2009-10-31T13:19:00.000-07:00

An original cat costume would never include red lips. But now when a girl dresses as a Cat it must be sexy. So I have this costume on that I basically put together a bunch of random black clothes that make me look like a cat. And I also have red lips. Now I automatically look like a sexy cat. Halloween will be interesting this year because I am spending it at Evan's house. I am excited though. There will be a bunch of people here that I actually know so I won't feel awkward at least lol.

Owl City is a good band. They have made it to my Top 10. :P

Have a good Halloween!

POST 27

2009-10-28T07:41:00.000-07:00

You know what is sad? My favorite food is probably the most disgusting food in the world. They are the 7-eleven brand hot cheetos. They are basically red and extremely spicy, but they aren't greasy like some other irregular brands. They are spicier than all other cheetos I have ever had and they have a tiny bit of a sweet tang to them. I could eat them forever. If you ever get me a birthday present and you have no clue what to get me, I will be happy with a bag of those cheetos! I go out of my way to get them too. Like when I spent about a month at home doing nothing this summer, I would drive over to the 7-11 just for those cheetos.

BTW THAT PICTURE IS OFFICIALLY ME IN ALL WAYS POSSIBLE

POST 25

2009-10-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

I find myself slacking on keeping up with this blog. It saddens me that the novelty of it is dying. I really do want to keep up with it. It would nice if my friends who also use this site would keep up with it very well. Then I would be more motivated to do so. Again, this blog to me is probably going to end up as another one of my "let's see if I cane write a story" attempts. But I hope not.

I really do enjoy my alone time. It is a time to unwind and sit here at my computer and write poetry, blog, and play my howrse game. Of course facebook is part of my unwinding process, but I find that it is not really a novelty anymore either. It is just a form of communication. I feel like the alone time of my day is essential to my happiness. I don't know why.

I went on a ghost tour tonight. It really brings back memories of when I was younger and used to fear such things. The sudden appearance of frightening things can still put me off for a few seconds, but not usually more than that. Sometimes a scary movie will keep me replaying scenes in my head and imagining them happening to me and they make me pull the covers up to my neck and make sure my feet are not sticking out of the blankets. Then the next morning I am usually perfectly ok with no nightmares to remember. The thoughts of the movie may or may not linger for a few days time, getting less and less with each day, but after about a week I will probably have forgotten the movie existed, or will no longer be even slightly unsettled by thoughts of it, simply because my mind has accepted them as not real, or accepted that they are now desensitizing me to realistic things in life. I used to be frightened by scary movies and they would haunt me (no pun intended) for months. This was pre-PG 13 movie time lol. Ah well. That is me.

POST 24

2009-10-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

So I am not sure, but I don't really have much to say. There is not much I have to tell.

I am very excited about next Wednesday! I am going on a trail ride for horseback riding! Trail rides are one of the most liberating experiences in the world for me. I probably enjoy it more than anything in the world to be totally honest. I just feel so incredibly free on a galloping horse in a nature-filled forest. I just love the speed I can achieve without any protection really. I love the wind blowing through my hair and I love the feel of the horse moving below me. I don't know why. It is the best thing for me to get my mind off things....I think.

Well, that is all I can think of for now.

POST 23

2009-10-19T18:13:00.001-07:00

the arch of your hand
to stretch into the world
to soon be forgotten
but worthy

glittering eyes
amber specks
starry night
contrasting curly strands

POST 22

2009-10-16T21:50:00.000-07:00

You know sometimes the real world is less than you think it is. Why do people always fear being apart of the real world? Why are people constantly preparing for it if they are essentially already in it? The real worle lies just outside your door. You just have to take the time to open your door. The real world lies in the people that are important to you. Why? Because that is what is real...to you. You shouldn't put things off just because you think it doesn't matter yet. Just because you think it's not part of the real world. What is the real world? It is what you are living in. Stop preparing for it and not being you. Not being real. Be you and be real and then maybe you won't feel like you are living in your imagination. When you realized that you are living in the real world, things will start to make sense, and you will feel yourself growing up with time.

I would also like to say that today a girl showed interest in my best friend Jacob for the first time in 3 or 4 years. I was EXTREMELY glad to hear it. Given, she has a boyfriend and feels trapped, the fact that she showed interest even then is a good sign. I gave him the best advice I could in light of his current situation and hers and I hope it falls through for him. I truly hope so. I know that if he gets a girlfriend that our relationship will not change. I am very much in love with Evan and I spend a lot of time with him, but I always make time for Jacob. I admit I have been busier this year with my new group of friends (since they aren't the bullshit group I hung out with last year), but Jacob and I always find time to talk a few times a week at the very least. It is comforting and relieving to know that I have a friend that I can always count on no matter what. That is another reason that I will never date the guy and risk ruining it. It is a good thing neither of us have ever been attracted to one another because even that simple thing would cause unnesessary tension.

Anyway. I am tired and sleepy.

Good night.

POST 21: A LOLCAT

2009-10-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

POST 20: Thought Processes

2009-10-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

I find myself the observer in most situations. I find my mind twisting its way around many different theories about all the people in the room. I see a person glance over at someone, because they spoke a few words and then glance over to me. Then they look away because they realized that I was looking at them. I repeat this motion in my head several times. I feel the motion in my face. In my neck. I feel wanting to make that move. I don't even bother to imagine the thought process, that caused them to make the move. That I will never know.

But I can observe body language enough to read thoughts in a person's eyes. To note the meaning in how quickly or slowly they moved their head. Or how their eyebrows twitched. Or how they pressed their lips together or licked their lips. This is what fascinates me. What was behind this move? That moment when they glanced over to me, I am under the strange illusion that their eyes enlarge, and at that moment, I trip and fall a bit and bring forth a quiet entreaty to know what thoughts surged through their mind as soon as they realized that we had locked eyes.

I wonder could they have looked away because...well I can't even begin to fathom the possible reasons for why they might have looked away. If I start to list they first few reasons that come to mind, simply letting them out of my head will make them seem more plausible. As each one leaves my mind and comes to be the written word, each one will be considered equally, but not as equal as the endless list of reasons that I may have left out.When in fact all the reasons that I may have left out are very much as possible as the next, because I won't actually know what this person is thinking. Then I consider the possibility of asking them, only to come to the conclusion that that would result in strange looks and possible forgetfulness of the exact thoughts. I have no desire to for disjointed summaries,broken, stuttering words, or unfaithful substitutions. I want the unadulterated actuality which cannot be recounted in voice, when his or her mind uttered it nonchalantly without any idea that it would ever come back to haunt them in the form of me asking unnecessary questions. Then I remind myself, that there is no need to meticulously pick apart my brain trying to dissect a very mind that is not my own. Then I sit there and castigate myself for wasting time even considering what this person might be thinking about. I will only know my own mind.

Then I might go back to imagining myself doing that very movement. Hoping to replicate it exactly in my head. Sometimes when I am alone and I am watching a movie or something and I see a movement I am intrigued by, I watch myself doing it in the mirror; it never looks the same. I think about how nice it would be if I was alone then I could actually repeat the movement, by the person who glanced at me, perfectly. Then I come to realized that, it is perhaps inconsequential and certainly monotonous to my life to continue to think and analyze a small and insignificant movement.

The above is the possible thought process that occurs in my mind and takes all of 3 to 5 seconds to complete the cycle before I begin another thought process similar to the above.

Now you have a slight blink of light into the complexities of my mind in terms of extremely simple actions. I categorize actions such as a glance, or a hand gesture, or a nod into the category of extremely simple. These are characterized by the fact that they will likely be forgotten within a few seconds by the person who completes an extremely simple action. They require, very generally of course, the above thought process to properly analyze an extremely simple action.

There is more, however, but I have to go pick my mother up from AutoZone because our car is broken.

Bye bye.

POST 19

2009-10-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

I do miss Evan. I do, I do, I do. Quite a lot. I wish I could play guitar better. I wish I had someone to teach me to be a better player. Then I could sit and occupy myself with that. For now I must settle for the downloaded episodes of Gossip Girl, that neither benefit nor intrigue me, but give me SOMETHING to do with myself.

I wish I could write a story. But I knew if I started one I would immediately be plagued with guilt because I will remember the many 10-page stories I used to begin and never finish. If I started one I would just leave it to rot after a few pages of sublime flirtation with the conviction that I might actually have a unique thought. Then it would come back to haunt me like a poltergeist for the next time I might be harboring the strange illusion that I could actually keep up with a story.

Why is that when people eat cheese fondue you are punished if you drop your bread in the cheese? What is the reasoning behind that? If you drop your food in the fondue, you have to tell a joke or make some sort of a fool out of yourself. Why should you have to do that if you have already made a fool enough out of yourself for not properly securing a piece of food to your metal prong!?

Never did I think facebook would become a way of life. In fact I think "facebook" is now an event and a breakthrough. In fact it deserves to be capitalized: Facebook. You have one foot outside the box if you don't have a Facebook. It is essential for existence and communication in the world of college and has become a very good way to discover "who people really are." Or "who people try to hide." In fact, I think access to a person's Facebook page is better than a resume at a job interview!

Shocking, sad.

Time.

Turkeys?

POST 18

2009-10-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

I have some good news. I broke down and told my Mom that Evan and I are dating and to my shock, she respected my decision and wants to meet him. I was extremely glad about that. Very glad.

I have been home for break for a day and have been in the strong grips of a migraine for almost 48 hours. The migraines really hinder my general participation in life. They just...hurt. It feels like your head is heavier than usual and like there is something expanding inside that won't release pressure. That is exactly how migraines feel. Oh, how I miss the days when I did not know such pain.

Today my mother and I went to lunch with some old friends from Pageantville. It was nice. We caught up on all the pageant drama we had missed out on the past year. It was certainly a long overdue meeting. I enjoyed it.

At home I helped my mom cook for tomorrow, she plans to have people over just to celebrate the fact that I am home for a few days, and to give everyone a chance to catch up with me and her and so on. I look forward to it. I am glad I can now talk about my new boyfriend in the open. Such a relief.

So my name will be changed. I am not sure when but before next summer my name will be changed from Simone Gilman to Simone Fox-Whitby. Oh crap. I am not sure if I even spelled that right. I do hope I can just go by Simone Fox. I would so prefer that. It is much simpler and quite a lot cooler!

I am going to miss summer. The warm summer nights especially. Walking through the cool grass hoping for a summery breeze to blow through my hair and cool me down. I will miss the beach. I will miss the smell of sunscreen and the idea of eating watermelon in the intense heat. I will miss the cooling showers after a long day at the beach. I will miss the excitement of looking at how much stronger my tan lines got with each day. I will miss the sundresses.

Most of my summer was miserable. But there were some good moments within myself that brought me personal enjoyment that no one else can understand.

POST 17: Moment of Truth

2009-10-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

Ok. So. Today my mother is very very likely going to meet Evan. I am a little bit unsettled because it is the first real impression that she will have of him. If she likes him a lot, I might be conned into telling her that we are dating. But I do know that I think she should think about meeting him and get used to the fact that he is my friend for a while. But then again, the more I keep this from her, the more guilty I feel.

So we shall see. The way their meeting goes could foreshadow a lot. I hope that she sees what a good person he is because there is no chance in hell I am going to let go of him anytime soon. And there is no amount of convincing that could cause me to change my mind about him. I know him better than anyone else so I will make my own judgments on him, thanks. I hope my mother can respect my decision to date him and be with him, because unfortunately for her bad opinion of him, he may have helped me find myself and his definitely the best thing that has happened to me.

So moving back a few steps from that: I withdrew from my music theory class. I had all this stuff I was behind on and I hoped to catch up but my study partner stood me up 3 TIMES! And by the time I really realized how behind I was, I would not be able to catch up again without essentially failing. So I made the sacrifice. I have not yet told my mother, but I know I have to. She will probably be very unhappy, but she needs to understand that time is moving forward and I need to do what is right for me. And, after all those signs, I know music theory is not the right direction. I am seriously considering the English major. The next possibility would be psychology, but for now I am heading towards English. I thoroughly enjoy my literary theory class and it is one of the most difficult classes in the department. So I know that is a good sign.

I am afraid not keeping my mother updated on everything in my life will result in her being very angry with me. Because I am not sure my grades will be fabulous this semester. I really hope I can pull it together after fall break. I have to. I really do. And it's not like it's Evan's fault for distracting me. That is the first thing my mother would say. And it is certainly not true. I have plenty of time away from Evan to my work, and other people for that matter. What is really keeping me from doing my work, is just the fact that I don't really have a desire to work hard. I don't know if it is because of the divorce or whatever, but I am considering talking to someone about it. Because I can't afford to get bad grades really. But talking to someone hardly helps because it's not like they can change you. Only you can change you. So whatever. Like I said I hope to pull it together starting after fall break. I know I can do it if I really want to. That is the only question...

POST 16

2009-10-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

You know you are disliked when people start going about their business and not including you like they used to. I HATE that I used to be an annoying bitch when I was younger. I worked so hard to be a quieter and more interesting person for years. But then apparently I came off as standoffish and that I should loosen up. Well, that is failing as well. Now all my former friends are doing their own thing without me. It's ok I get it. But I'm sure it will soon affect Evan and I's relationship and eventually end it. Mostly because people love him and he will get tired of my shit. Like seriously, my entire life I have been doing slightly abnormal things, but people criticized me for it a lot more. It's always been that way. And it just seems that everyone is easier on people like Evan. He can be way more obnoxious than me, yet everyone loves him for some other reason. I think I will just go back to being standoffish and nothing more than an observer. It was at least not driving people away as fast.

It's always been harder for me. Even when I am perfectly friendly to everyone. It's only cuz I care so much that I keep up the friendliness when perhaps people don't want me to. I should stop caring; it was working for me before.

POST 15

2009-10-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

POST 14: A Good Weekend

2009-10-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

So my weekend began at precisely 1 am Friday morning. Evan and I were napping and suddenly a shrill fire alarm woke us up. So outside I went to stand for 30something minutes while the RAs searched the building for people who slept through the drill. Naturally, at 1 am, somebody had to fail it. So it was a fail. Then Evan and I went back to napping until ANOTHER 3 am drill woke us up. Again the process was repeated with another inevitable failure. Then there was another drill scheduled for 5 am but when the RAs heard that residents were plotting to sleep through it regardless, they decided to cancel it. Thank god; we all got some sleep.

After I woke up I retreated to my room and changed clothes and went to eat lunch with Evan at the Nest which was nice. He took out his Free Advice sign and sat there hopefully waiting for people to come and request advice off of him. Then he had class at 12 and then I went to work diligently on my paper that was due at midnight, but I had to finish it because I would be busy all night. So I managed to finish it by 1:20 and at that time I had already skipped my 1 pm class. I went to the Nest again and hung out with everyone. Then Evan and I went to Lee Hall and he did more free advice as I waited for Jacob to come pick me up. When Jacob got there I got him to come get some advice from Evan and then we got on the road for BLINK 182!!!

The drive was depressing because the traffic was disgusting. We got there in the middle of Fall Out Boy's opening act which fortunately wasn't half bad. Good thing we didn't miss any of Blink! During the break we met up with Anneliese and talked for a while and then I saw Kim, Evan's ex with her new bf which was a huge coincidence full of incredible awkwardness. Then the concert started and it was AMAZING. Nothing else to really say about it! Basically they played all my favorite songs and then the encore was too amazing for words so I am just going to post a video of it here:

Amazing Drum Solo by Travis Barker

Then as we were leaving I convinced Jacob to buy me a pink and black Blink t-shirt and that absolutely completed the night! It was the perfect shirt!

Then we left and the drive home was tiresome but no traffic so that was good. When I got home to my house my mother greeted us and we hung out for a while and then we all retreated to our separate sleeping places: I to my bedroom, Jacob to his (guest) room(he stays in the same one every time he comes so it has come to be known as "Jacob's Room), and my mom to hers. Then I called Evan and we talked for 20 minutes and it was strange because it was the first night we have been apart since summer basically. Then I went downstairs in search of water because my throat was hurting from all the shouting I did at the concert. My mother was still up at her computer and we sat down and talked till about 2:15 am. So I guess it was good to get some private time to talk to her. I am sure she appreciated it. Then I went upstairs and checked computer stuff online for about an hour and then finally went to bed after 3. So there was not much sleeping involved for my on Friday at all. But it was ok.

The next morning we got up at about 9 am and went to breakfast at Aroma's, my mom and me's favorite cafe, and we brought Jacob and my mom's good friend Sharon along. Then we went for ice cream and then got some stuff at the Farmer's market. Then at 12 Jacob and I took off back to Fredericksburg. I think I had a good visit to my home for such a short one. I think it made my mom happy and I felt good about it too. Then when I got back to school I said goodbye to Jacob and I got into Evan's car and we took off for Warrenton (Evan's hometown). Evan invited me home because he had to go volunteer at an Oktoberfest Festival at his church. So he thought I might think it would be fun so he asked me. He had to do a 2 hour shift at the Dime Toss and I ended up helping as well. I got 2 hours of community service! I had fun scurrying under crates searching for dimes and taking tickets for dimes all afternoon. Then after that I was kind of tired but we had some food and then started hanging out with Evan's friend Hannah. We talked a lot and I think we could be friends. By now it was about 5:30 in the afternoon and we met up with Evan's friend John Scerba and went to and ice cream place called Carousel which was really good. Then we went to a Laundromat for some reason so that Laura could hang out with her love interests girlfriend who is interested in Laura ironically. Ah lesbian love triangles...Anyway then we stopped by Taco Bell and then returned to the festival where we began hanging out with Laura and Andrew additionally. Then we all decided to hang out at the play ground near the church and that was good fun. Met a few more of Evan's friends and I am quite sure they all liked me. I managed to turn off any standoffishness that might have come out. : ). Then Evan and I finally left and went to his house and sat down and relaxed a bit and watch part of the Sandlot and some Mythbusters. That was fun and pleasant. We remarked again on how much fun the day was and how much we loved each other : D!!! I probably shouldn't get into it. It's safe to say that we are very much in love with each other currently! Then we lay down in the guest bed for a bit and I got very sleepy so Evan said good night and went to his bed.

The next morning, today, we woke up at 10 am and had breakfast and Evan put his bacon on the table because there was not room for it on his plate. I sighed at his bad table manners. Then I actually went to church with Evan. I have not been since Easter so it was not an everyday experience lol. Evan actually texted in church. I was a little disappointed in him. It was very rude. But I think he understands and won't do it again. : ). If we get married and have kids, he better fix some of his immature behaviors. He is shocked that I would ever tell him to grow up, but bad table manners and texting in church better stop if we are going to have good kids.

LOL. You can disregard that last paragraph if you want. It was a bit silly.

Then we went to Borders and El Agave (Mexican place) until about 1pm. Then we returned to his house and "hung out" *wink wink* for like half an hour and then returned to school. We had fun singing in the car and acting like complete fools. I enjoyed it a lot. It just meant our love for each other is getting stronger.

Then when we got back I was supposed to meet up with a friend to do a project but she bailed on me but promises we will get it done tomorrow before it's due. I hope God can help me out here because I need an A on this project for me to maintain an acceptable grade in Music Theory. So I went and had some "me" time in my room for a while. I hadn't had any since Thursday really; I had an incredibly busy weekend.

Then finally I was ready for dinner so I went to the Nest with Terry and Laura and we had a good time. Then we came back and all hung out at my place for a few hours. Laura ordered a small pizza so we all had some and then Terry sort of invited me to go with him and Evan to see a movie, but when I got to Randolph Evan and Terry didn't seem to want me to come. Evan politely explained to me that it was "guys night out no girls allowed," so I left and instant messaged Laura and told her and she said that she thought that was ridiculous of them and that it was just a movie and they don't do the "guy thing" while sitting in a fucking movie. I agreed completely and feel a bit rejected but I shall live. I hope they get back before midnight because I wanted to hang out with Evan. He claims he will text me when he returns and I hope he actually does. Because I am afraid I will get too sleepy.

While sometimes I feel rejected by him, there are more times I feel loved by him.

So I guess I will let this one go.

Overall I must say I had a delightfully busy weekend. Not one dull moment to speak of and I believe that might be a first for me : ).

Good night.

POST 13

2009-10-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

Seeing a concert by Blink 182 is where you will find me tonight! I am so excited because I just finished my paper that is due at midnight so I don't have to worry about doing it on the way to the concert! So Jacob is picking me up at 2 and prior to that I am going to go over to the nest and hang out with Evan and Nick. On Friday's they do this thing where they hold up a sign that says free advice and random people come up and actually ask for advice! It's really cool! It actually makes some people feel better about themselves and sometimes they even ask really deep questions and not surprisingly, Evan always has good answers! I love that I am dating a guy who knows how to be deep and thoughtful. : ).

So Anneliese is going to be at the concert as well! It will be a fun little reunion for us! Then afterwords we are going to my house since it is conveniently an hour away from Va Beach, and will spend the night there. And in the morning we will hang out with my mom a bit and maybe get some breakfast/lunch and then head back to school! I am going to miss Evan because he is going home saturday night and I will be gone friday night! It has been a long time since we were apart for more than 12 hours LOL. And that was when we weren't dating and not nearly as in love with each other as we are now. Oh well at least coming back to see him on Sunday will be great fun. You have to admit after not seeing a person for a long time you love the part when you get to see them for the first time. Oh god, I can't imagine winter break. That will be tough. Good thing he's the kind of guy who can talk to me on the phone every night! Well I am off to the Nest for free advice!

FUCK YEAH BLINK 182!

: D

POST 12

2009-09-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

Well I noticed that a lot of people post personal pictures here. Since it is such a regularity I suppose I will do the same
Anyway.

This is me and Evan!

POST 11: Here in the Library

2009-09-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

So here I sit in the library listening to Beethoven's Symphony No. 5. The first movement is quite energetic and easy to listen to but the next 2 are really depressing. Well, that's not entirely true, they are interesting, but I prefer the big and articulate and memorable music....oh well.

I sadly come to the realization that UMW is not that hard of a school to do well in. If I studied all the time I would get a definite 4.0. But sadly I would rather have a fun college experience rather than spend all my time doing something I will likely forget after the final exam. In fact if I dedicated 2 hours a day to doing straight homework I bet I would get that 4.0. The reason college students just don't all get 4.0s is because they are in COLLEGE. That word inherently means FUN. Academics sadly comes second. I need to work on changing that mentality. Well, at least I admitted to it.....THATS THE FIRST STEP! LOL.

Currently life is like I am the cat in the picture above and homework and responsibility is contained in the water. I can't quite let go. But once I do, I'll have to suck it up and do it no matter what. I guess that is my fear.

POST 10: Things you shouldn't say at the dinner table

2009-09-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

Ok so would you say it's innapropriate for a guy to sit there in front of his girlfriend, and two friends and count on his fingers how many girls have licked his dick?

YEAH. So would I.

Not only did he do that, but he LIED. He told me in the past that only one other girl had given him a blowjob. I sat there in shock at the fact that he was either lying at that moment to impress friends, or had lied to me in the past. I accused him of lying and he said he wasn't and that we had talked about this, when we definitely hadn't. I don't understand how licking a dick doesn't constitute blowjob, or why a girl would lick it and then not do ANYTHING else. So I know he lied. Grand. So I was mad so I threw some food at him, and he stomped off in a huff.

WTF.

POST 9: My Sunday

2009-09-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

Ok so today was a good day. I went to West Virginia with Evan and his family and we went to a horse track and I got to see some of the most beautiful horses of all time! It was awesome! I continue to enjoy my boyfriend more and more! The more time I spend with him the more I realize that I love him a lot. And that is honest and true. And also I realize how I would never cheat on him and all I ever want to do is be honest with him and never be sarcastic. Sarcasm, while it exists in my personality, I realized, is a form of a shield that I use to protect myself from feeling stupid or vunerable. It is ok in theory, but to the people that I love, which are few, it is unnecessary. I plan to work on changing that about myself: Be less sarcastic. Yay.

Anyway, gambling is allowed in West Virginia for all that are over 18, instead of most places where it is 21. Evan betted money on the horses and he won like 50 bucks! Next time I go, if ever, I plan to bet money! Evan's parents won 300 dollars! I felt so like I was in Las Vegas, because when we arrived we walked through this building with literally, probably 1000 slot machines! I can't believe I am allowed to use slot machines in West Virginia. And on the way back to school, I started singing and I noticed how comfortable I felt singing around him. That is pretty rare. I am not really comfortable sharing my voice with people. But the incredible thing is that after I was sang for a while, Evan started singing too! LOL. We had so much fun on the way back! He wouldn't admit it I'm sure but I bet he was enticed by me to start singing, because he knew that he didn't have to feel foolish because I was doing it too! He's a pretty good singer, and I love guys that can sing! It really made me love him more. LOL.

Anyway, now I am actually in his room just chilling and waiting for LAURA NEEDHAM to get here so we can HANG!

FUCK YEAH!

POST 8: Evan's Room

2009-09-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

I am currently sitting in Evan's room. Being in his room gives me such a sense of who he is. He has artwork on the walls, Redskins stuff, 2 dollar bills, some pictures and random trinkets all over the top of his desk that he probably acquired over time in the past 20 years of his life. There is a ship made out of legos sitting on a shelf. I can appreciate that. I love legos. I have a whole set built up of them in my old toy closet at home. There is a picture of him and his dog: a smooth fox terrier names Herky. I feel like he misses Herky. I would if I were him. He is a cute dog. When we got here he went on a cleaning frenzy and cleaned his entire room and in fact is still at it as we speak. He threw away so much stuff. I asked why and he said, "you have to move on."

I don't know why you can't keep some stuff that once might have been important to you. You are not living in your past that way, you are simply remembering it. After all, it is your past that dictates who you are right at this moment and who you will be. It is important not to forget it.

He has so much stuff. It seems like he is like me, keeping everything and such, but as I watch him throw away more and more stuff I feel like perhaps he is different. I think he fears living in the past a little bit. Yet he is so fond of his hometown because he had such a great past there. He claims he has no fears. I know he does though. He won't admit them to me because he wants to seem less human. He wants people to think he is not human. But he knows I can expose his human side so much. I guess that's why he doesn't want me to know his fears.

I am sure he would disagree. But oh well. That is just what I think. I am not great at articulating my thoughts on the subject of analyzing people. In my head it works well, but when I try to let it out sometimes I am unsuccessful. So basically, don't take everything I say for legits. lol. Just remember that the truth is relative. LOL.

He just said he wants to be "cuter." We have to be CUTER.

k.

LOL.

Post 7: Part way through Saturday we go...

2009-09-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well, today as you know my Mom and her BFF came to visit and it was good fun! We had a really good lunch at Eileen's Bakery and then I gave a campus tour. I really enjoy giving campus tours! I am quite good at them. Not only do I know all the important things about the campus, but I know all the fun quirky things as well. So I could really give a good look as to what living here would be like.

Today I chose a happy lolcat because I am overjoyed because Barbara, with her grandmotherly instincts, bought me something I really wanted. I honestly didn't need it, but she utterly insisted! We went to a guitar store and I have been learning to play guitar, and there was a nice used one for less than 60 bucks, so Barbara insisted on buying it for me!!!

I HAVE MY OWN ACOUSTIC GUITAR!

I AM VERY EXCITED.

Also I am grateful. It was a really nice thing for her to do for me! I got a real nice used guitar case as well, and a sweet guitar strap. Technically I have a capo but it is Matt's Dads (whom I borrowed a guitar from over the summer), and I forgot to return it. So I will keep it until Matt forces me to give it back. And the only way he is going to do that is by forcing his way into my room and begging to talk to me. Because next time I see him, I will punch him in the balls. I don't care if its immature. What he has done to me on NUMEROUS occasions will never measure up to a small punch in the balls and a little pain and regret. Well whatever.

So I am going to Evan's house tonight! Yay! He is having like a party or something for his birthday and I have to go to church tomorrow with him and his parents. LOL. I have not been to church since Easter! That should be fun. Then apparently we are going to a horse track after church. Oh god. LOL. Well, I have not much to add here except that I will try to get online tonight to write a bit, but I doubt I will find time.

If not, then I will be on tomorrow afternoon the latest!

kthanksluvyabye.

POST 6: Why it sucks to be a girl.

2009-09-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

Girls miss out on all the fun. Guys think that they don't get it. They think that girls don't want to have as much fun. It's such gayness. When guys go out and do fun things all the time, girls just sit around feeling jealous. It's like football.

Girls can't play. Girl's just don't get it. It's because girls don't want to have any fun. It's just because we have vaginas and boobs. Girls should stay in the kitchen. Girls should do all the dirty, disgusting work while guys should have fun. Because guys have to work and they have a hard day EVERY day. So of course the girls should slave away to make guy's lives easier. And why? Because without guys we wouldn't be able to work of course. Girls can't work. In fact girls shouldn't even go to school. They should just learn how to keep house. What's all this nonsense about women having men's jobs?

I am sure there are plenty of reasons that is it awesome to be a girl. In fact I KNOW there are. It's just that when guys leave you out SIMPLY because you are a girl, it makes me very sad.

Well I cleaned my room. I was gonna hang out with Evan, but he went off playing games with Terry and Nick and Joe and I just played around on the computer for hours. Laura went home so I don't have her to hang out with. And I am no longer talking to Matt, so I can't bother him. I already called Jacob twice today, so I can't call him. So basically I didn't have anyone to hang out with. So then Evan comes in and wants to hang out and I was excited and said that I would finish up what I was doing. So then a minute later Evan decides that I am too slow and would rather go out and do "shenanigans" with Terry. And that is code for "No girls allowed."

I resent that with an incredible passion.

Going out at night, when the weather is brisk and cool and doing sneaky fun things is probably one of my favorite things to do. It's up there with trail rides on horseback and galloping in the fall. BUT of course I just can't go because I just wouldn't get it. I wouldn't understand. Evan actually tried to make me think that they were just doing stupid dumb things that I wouldn't be interested in......= (. Such incredible bullshit. But the greatest part is that now that I made him feel guilty about it he will want me to come along next time he goes out for "shenanigans" but I can't go because I am certainly not going to be a charity case.

Ah life.

Life is good though. I do like to zero in on the things that are bothering me because I sometimes get really creative with theories about them. I have no idea why I am so attached to this blog. I am sure the addiction will soon fade when I get less committed. I would like to think that I can keep up with something in life, but I know me and I am not sure this is interesting enough. = P. Well, whatever. We will see what happens.

The lolcats picture refers to my inability to be positive at all times. My inability to pause and prevent myself from blabbering about something that only I care about and no one else. Therefore time outs would be good for me. But lol they don't happen anymore because I am not a 5 year old.

Fuck yeah.

Thank god.

kthanksbye.

LOL CATS

2009-09-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

I think I will make a regularity of this. Uploading an amazing lolcats photo with every post. This is my first one and definitely a favorite.

POST 4: A Small Milestone and Co.

2009-09-25T17:11:00.000-07:00

So I had a good day today until about 4 o clock. I was talking to my ex boyfriend Matt, whom I am trying so hard to be friends with and put up with his pettiness when he started saying all kinds of immature shit and I was like wow I hope you know that I will never date you again and I don't know why anyone would you are so immature. Then shockingly enough he said, "well have a good weekend. I know I will. Because at least BOTH of my parents actually come visit me."

WOW.

I thought that what I said was slightly hurtful, but necessary. But what he said was the most hurtful and low and uncessesary thing he could have said! So I said to myself, "That's it. I will no longer associate myself with him in any way." I am so tired of his lies about how he wants to be friends, but then treats me like total shit.

Anyway. I just needed to say that so it would stick in my mind. So that when I slip up for a minute I can come back and read this and say to myself, "Simone, he is not worth your time and energy, and he is certainly not worth your tears." I am contemplating telling my mother about this, just so that she will side with me and just so that she can remind me in the future to keep away from him. I once did think I loved him, but I can never fall under that spell again. I know if it ends, it will just be like this. Now hopefully, I can put him behind me and move on completely.

On the bright side after I went to lunch with friends we all decided to go to Carl's Ice Cream and that was good fun. One the way back we all just had a lot of fun because we are such good friends and we laughed a lot and it was one of those moments that doesn't really mean anything, but it was something that each individual person can appreciate on their own time. Then we hung out for a while and I tried to clean my room up but decided to wake up early tomorrow morning and do it. I work better under time pressure anyway. We went to three different places for dinner. Lol. We went to Wendy's, Chick-fil-a, and Auntie Annies. It was a nice short dinner. But it keeps me aware of the fact that I have friends I can just hang out with any time. I am grateful for that. I talked to several people about what Matt said and they all told me that I need to completely shut him out of my life. So I feel confident in my decision to do that.

Tomorrow is Family Weekend and my Mom is coming to visit with her BFF, Barbara. That should be a fun day. I am going to Evan's house on Saturday night for his birthday. That should be fun. Sadly, my mother is not terribly fond of Evan, but I am trying to sway her opinion about him so that I can tell her we are dating. I mean we have been dating for almost a month and half and it has been going better than any other relationship I have ever had. I plan to tell her after she meets him "as my friend," and starts to like him and get to know him. She already likes him a bit more just because of nice things I have said about him, so hopefully God will see it through. I can't see how he would prevent my mom from liking him when it is doing me so much good. I would be very alone and sad without him. But again, I will go into discussions about Evan another time. Not because I don't want to talk about him, but mostly because I don't know what to say about him that will justify how much I love him. =)

He would lol if he read that.

Anyway. Now that I think about it, I am fairly bored. So perhaps I will discuss Evan a bit. Basically, he was the only one who was there for me (other than Jacob) this summer when I was living in a house with my mother for the first time without my Dad. I mean I had had feelings for him in the past, but they were amplified over the summer. And since we did not get to see each other much it was surprising that we should develop such strong feelings. So we started dating when school started and it has been amazing. He is different from anybody I know. I experience feeling for him that I don't understand and have never felt before. Like for example when we were hanging out next to this balcony like thing overlooking a a back parking lot, he decided to sit on the balcony fence thing and I got so scared. I never get scared about being daring and sitting in slightly unsafe spots. But for Evan I was so scared. I didn't want him to fall and hurt himself. I didn't understand why I had this fear. Obviously it was simply one of many confirmations that I loved him. Also, the first time he said to me, "I love you, Simone," I was not afraid to say it back. Also it was something I wanted to hear. And with other people, it has been the opposite. I was afraid to tell them I loved them because I wasn't sure if it was true and I didn't want to hurt them. But with Evan I knew it was true, because I had no fear. = ). I love how he always wants to talk to me. I love how he truly enjoys me. It's very nice to be in love. I cannot accurately describe how I feel about him, because even if I knew how I am sure it would not be humanly possible. Another thing is that he has made me happier in general. The way I write in this blog, I have noticed, has a much more positive tone than ANY of my other personal writings. I wish so much that my mother will see this in me, and hopefully in him.

One of my only fears with Evan is that our political views are drastically different, but it only lingers far away in my mind and I am starting to believe that our love for each other will be able to suppress certain differences. But I firmly believe that my mother will accept us dating before too long. I feel like at first she might be a bit unsettled, even if she already likes him, just because of previous knowledge about him, but I think she will see that it is doing me much less harm than good. In fact, I can't think of anything harmful it might be doing. I'm sure my mother could, but the plan is to keep her from thinking of anything. Well, I doubt anybody is actually reading this but at least I got to talk about myself a bit. Maybe someday I will come back and read it and try to remember my very thoughts at this moment. Hopefully I will never again be as cynical as I once was, and not forget how to write/live/talk like this.

Anyway. More later.

I talk a lot....

POST 3

2009-09-25T07:46:00.000-07:00

So I just realized that I can never use an interesting and unique title for each post because I never know exactly what I am going to write each time....I am being followed by my friend LAURA NEEDHAM, whom I mentioned earlier. I hope to be followed by Andrew and Evan, but you know how guys are :P.

If you are ever completely bored out of your mind and want to read a bit of poetry you can check out mine!!!

Click here for my allpoetry page!

YaY.

Anyway, so last night I stayed up until 2 am because Randolph had two damn fire drills. Evan said I could stay in his room during the drill and I was all nervous because everyone is supposed to leave the building. Can you imagine if someone checked his room and the entire dorm failed because of someone who isn't even in the dorm?? That would be supremely embarrassing. I also felt rather "elite" because everyone had to drop what they are doing and go sit outside for half an hour, and I, the RA's girlfriend, didn't have to. But whatever, no one checked the room and it was all ok after all.

Ok so I think that the spell check on this thing is not trained to assume contractions are correct! Didn't and Isn't is an error according to it.

LOL.

So I must admit I am really bored since I am not going to french class and I am waiting for my laundry to finish drying. I do hope it is dry because I don't have anymore quarters!

I could tell you a little bit more about myself and my life. Well anyway, I suppose I will. So I attend the University of Mary Washington, and I have a boyfriend who is Evan and I keep mentioning him its probably obvious who it is. My parents are separated because my dad cheated on my mother and won't admit to anything even though we have lots of evidence of it. I no longer speak to him. I can't deal with liars. My mother just had her right breast removed due to a tiny bit of breast cancer; thank god she is all fine now. Times are pretty tough at home I must say. I am glad to be at school, but sad to leave my mother alone at home. While I know she needs me, I also know she must learn to live alone, because that is the reality now. Neither of us want a liar in our family.

I have a best friend called Jacob. He is the closest friend I have ever had and he is also a boy. I like it like that. We have absolutely no attraction to one another, and so therefore our friendship should never end. He and I attend different schools and our relationship consists of he and talking on the phone at LEAST 3 times per week and we simply pour out our problems and issues to one another and then we always feel better after venting. We share interests in music and movies and musicals and politics. So when we hang out we talk about those things and events in our lives that may or may not be important to others, but definitely important to us! = ). Its a nice friendship. I could talk about Evan but I think I need a lot more time to discuss him.

I don't really want to talk much about my classes and such. I am torn right now deciding what to do about my major and I don't feel like getting into that.

Well. I have to take out my laundry. So I will be back later.

Peace out cub scout.

POST 2.

2009-09-24T17:51:00.000-07:00

So I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner and had amazing boneless chicken wings. I think that is one of my new favorite restaurants. I went with Evan which made it all better anyway. = ). We always have such fun together. Again I stress the importance of finding love. It is a nice thing. Evan is quite possibly the best thing that has happened to me since school started at least. If it were not for him I would be very lonely and fat. He and I go to the gym! Its nice to finally be losing weight and feeling good about myself!

POST 1

2009-09-24T11:55:00.001-07:00

I can't believe someone else on this site has used the name MysteriousWhisper. That, I thought was pretty original. Well I just want it on record that I thought of it without any help. So I had to go with "The Mysterious Whispers." Which is pretty close to what it I wanted....

So anyway, I started a blog a while back, but I never kept up with it. I think it will do me good to keep up with this one. Also, my friend LAURA NEEDHAM enticed me to start one since her and Andrew have both made one. Evan has one as well and I did not know about it until today. In fact, he wrote about me in it, while having no idea that I would be reading it!

I loled.

Anyway, those that know me know my first name and probably my last and middle so there is no point in mentioning them here. I'm kind of tall; 5'7' which is one inch above the average female height. I gained the freshman 15 last year but I have been going to the gym lately in an effort to work it off. I am almost 19 years old. I feel old. Evan just turned 20...never mind. I now feel young. I have short brown hair and big hazel eyes and long legs and big hands. I like to write poetry. I would like to get it published one day. I love to sing and dance. I was going to be a music major until music theory kicked my ass. Now I think I might major in english. I think I might enjoy it more than anything else. I am pretty passionate. I am a great thinker and observer. I analyze quite a lot. I can be vindictive and wrathful when provoked. I can be loving and gentle when I love someone.

I am in love with someone. It's nice to be loved. It's nice to love. If you don't know what it feels like. I strongly suggest making it a priority to find out. You won't regret it if it is true.

Well, I have nothing more to say. I hope to return soon.

Goodbye.